Contract Opportunity – Exclusive!

Procurement Excellence is delighted to publish this exclusive contract opportunity that has come our way. We look forward to your responses....

Contract Opportunity – Invitation for Expressions of Interest

1.            Service required

Following the departure of the previous service provider (ungrateful so and so) we seek a provider to supply a specific professional service on a weekly basis for an initial period of 3 years, with an option to extend for a further year.  The service will consist of participation in an audio-visual presentation which will be broadcast across multi-media platforms in the UK and beyond, including on BBC1, and to be known as “The (insert name of successful bidder here) Friday Night Show”.

The key service elements are:

a. Interviewing a number of other casual interim service providers every week (‘guests’) for between 10 and 15 minutes in a manner designed to elicit witty, mildly flirtatious, moving or interesting responses from them.  (Bidders should not under-estimate the skills needed to fulfil this requirement).

b. Engaging in banter of a generally charming and humorous nature with other regular service providers (e.g. ‘ 4 poofs and a piano’ or similar light entertainment groups) and with other non-remunerated stakeholders (‘the studio audience’).

c. Refraining from any behaviour, while engaged directly in the service provision or at any other time during the contract period, which would embarrass or inconvenience the contracting authority.

d. Keeping well away from Mr R. Brand.

2.            Provider profile

Expressions of interest are invited from providers of male, female, or other genders.  Indeed, we are particularly interested in ‘other’.  (And an alien would be brilliant).  Providers will be expected to show evidence of previous similar work, preferably over a period of at least 3 years, although that work may have been carried out in other media.  Providers must appeal physically to at least 38% of the UK population, be capable of maintaining jollity in the face of US film stars who can barely string two words together, and appear genuinely interested when Madonna drones on about Kabala again. An ability to flirt convincingly with guests of either sex, including nonagenarians and the clinically insane, would be an advantage.

The successful applicant must have really good hair.  Nice suits provided.

3.            Procurement process

Providers who express interest will complete a short pre-qualification questionnaire.  Between 3 and 5 providers will then be invited to complete a full tender, and attend an interview with Baroness P.D. James.  Finally, a reverse electronic auction will be held to ensure that the taxpayer receives the best possible value for money.  That will be a multi-attribute auction where other evaluation criteria will be taken into account (as per the tender and interview).  However, given the exposure that the successful candidate will receive and the consequent increase in their market rate for advertisements, after dinner speeches and other lucrative engagements, we expect that the auction will have no lower bidding constraint i.e. we expect that the winning provider will pay the BBC for the privilege of delivering the service.

4.           Applications

Send a full length photograph, your last ten tweets, a sound recording of your latest insurance advert, and a short cv to our retained consultant; Peter.Smith@iwanttobeatvhost.com

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