James Pond – a Licence to Bill (part 2)

(CIPS has suggested that all buyer's should require a licence - James Pond of PLANC is investigating Carlo's Casino. See part 1 here...)

“So Luigi”. James smiled to himself. He always enjoyed this bit. “Can you tell me how you would apply the Kraljic matrix to assess the key areas of supply chain risk for the casino”?

The blood drained from Luigi’s face.

 “I don’t think we covered that in the CIPS training” he said weakly.

“Can I see your licence please?

Now Luigi smiled, exposing enough gold to stock the Tiffany’s catalogue.

“Sure, here it is. CIPS, 1997. All the exams. First time too. And I got the continuous professional development stamp on the back. Just like dose guys in Stamford say. We like to keep everythin’ nice here.  We don’t want to offend no-one, not the CIPS heavies, not PLANC”.

James took the card. Something wasn’t quite right.  He took a small implement out of his inside pocket.

“The latest from Q, back in the office. Detects forgeries through the latest Bayesian neuro-probability Higgs-Boson mesa-detection nano-wave analysis”. He shone the small torch-like device at Luigi’s card.

After a few seconds, James looked up.

“I’m sorry. This is obviously a fake”.

It all happened so quickly. Luigi reached into his jacket pocket, but before he could pull out his gun, James had his own weapon in his hand. He grabbed Luigi’s shooting hand and forced it across his neck, whilst twisting Luigi’s other arm behind his back. That left James with his own gun trained on the manager.

“Don’t make me do anything we’ll all regret. You..” (He nodded towards the redhead). "Get over here. Go through their pockets. Weapons on the table where I can see them. And don’t try anything funny or your friends will be cashing in their chips for the last time”.

I know, thought James, I’ve used that joke before. But I like it.

The girl, eyes wide, took two weapons from the manager’s jacket and picked up the one Luigi had dropped. “On the floor”.

Luigi and the manager lay down, hands behind their heads.

“OK”, said James.”This is what is going to happen now”.

“I’m filling in Form S-27A  ProcLicenceB/187Q in triplicate - I’ll leave one copy with you now. You will receive official notification in the post that you have broken PLANC licensing regulations. There is a statutory fine of £250 and you have 90 days to either get Luigi licensed – properly – or find another licensed buyer to carry out your procurement. If you do not do that, the second fine will be £2,500 with the possibility of a 3-month prison sentence”.

“OK”?

The guys on the floor nodded as best they could.

 “Oh, I almost forgot. You have the right to appeal against the decision within the next 30 days. But honestly – don’t even think about it, punks”.

James turned and walked towards the door. He hesitated for a moment, then turned back towards the redhead.

“Do you fancy a quick Starbucks? I’ve got a voucher for a free hazelnut muffin”.

After a second's hesitation, she  smiled and nodded. “That would be canny good, thanks. Ah fancy a bevvy, but ah need the netty first like,  won’t be a minute, pet. Ah’ll see you doonstairs”.

 Perhaps it wasn’t going to be just another routine day after all, thought James.

Voices (4)

  1. Dan:

    I’m surprised you passed up the chance to use:

    “Do you expect me to talk?”

    “No Mr Pond. I expect you to buy!”

  2. Ian R:

    Oh come on – no part 3, 4, 5…. Dickens started out like this, Peter. Well, without the internet. Loved it, thanks very much. Think there is room for a spin off for Moneypenny…….?

  3. RJ:

    I’m now looking forward to the female version of Mr Pond as the samurai-wielding avenger of wronged Procurement professionals in Kill Bill 3.

    I think you may have spawned a franchise, Peter.

  4. Dave Sheldon:

    I think the search for an author for new 007 books is over. Can I bid 50p for the film rights to the Licence to Bill stories?

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