Report of James Pond (and Agent X) – Infiltration of CIPS Dinner, March 12th 2014

We were charged with infiltration of CIPS dinner to establish where the Institute’s proposed name change is a threat to national security.

On arrival at the Hilton last night, we were told that we were not allowed into the VIP Reception, despite the fact that we were disguised as two Past Presidents. However, once Agent X had taken out the security operative (accidentally incapacitating two young ladies from Redactive's events team) we were able to join the VIPs. We assessed high residual threat levels from this group, given their  considerable cunning, intellectual capacity and strategic planning ability, and despite their age and obvious lack of physical conditioning.

However, Agent X made the error of wearing a Past President's Medal, which generated suspicion amongst other ex CIPS leaders - 'Peter Smith has never worn that before' said a Mr Kim Godwin.  So we went to mix with the firms who had booked tables for promotional purposes.

We were well received there and I must report that Agent X was offered jobs by IBHP, KPWC,  two recruitment firms and a software developer. This was all on the basis of the few phrases of procurement insight you instructed us to learn plus his ability to tell jokes whilst consuming large quantities of red wine.

We were seated at the 'fellows table' which to our surprise was not all fellows – there were several woman present. The dinner was uneventful – the chicken was dull but the dessert very good. (I have sent a separate restaurant review to our 'Secret Trip Adviser' internal travel booking service).

We recommend taking action against Hilton Hotels for profiteering however – an additional bottle of wine was a minimum of £39! Can I apologize in advance for our expense claims…

The President this year is an Australian – another sign of CIPS global geopolitical aspirations perhaps? Craig Lardner made a highly insulting speech, besmirching the good name of English cricket purely on the basis of some minor tournament that he claims Australia won recently. He also called on CIPS members to 'pay forward' – do something good for others. It seems a good and honourable idea and not a concept that fits with our suspicions about the Institute, it should be said. But he should be kept under tight surveillance, we recommend.

The guest speaker was Cherie Booth / Blair, very important barrister and wife of the ex prime Minister Tony Blair. You will be aware that the Organisation holds VERY extensive files on her already given her penchant for human rights issues. We have a recording of her speech which is fortunate as we dozed off at this point.

After dinner, CIPS ran a mock casino – some of our older colleagues might have enjoyed this (Agent 007 perhaps) but it was not of interest to us. Throughout the post dinner period, Agent X and I engaged I many interesting conversations which may well have solved the mystery of the CIPS organisation and its putative name change. However, and most unfortunately, we believe that sometime between 12 midnight and 1am, someone administered a memory drug to us both, leaving us totally incapable of remembering any of these conversations.

The drug also caused a number of other symptoms the following morning viz. headache, nausea, a dry throat, aching legs... This has obviously set back our investigations. But we suggest that we need to continue surveillance, perhaps at the CIPS SM Awards dinner in September.

Conclusion

We need to keep a careful eye on this organisation. We have not yet discovered any tangible security threat, but what is clear is that it contains many dubious and potentially dangerous characters. We were successful in planting bugs in over 50 dinner-jacket pockets of senior procurement leaders and CIPS executives; we can be sure that they won't be worn again for a year in most cases so that should give us time to listen in on all conversations within 30 feet of the jacket. That will provide useful information before we decide what further steps to take.

Discuss this:

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *