Spend Matters Procurement Predictions for 2013 (part 2)

Continued from yesterday....

July

After questions are asked in Parliament, the Department of Health claims that the dog ate their procurement strategy. “We’re very annoyed” they say. “We spent hours on that. We just put it down on the coffee table for a minute and that wretched Beagle…”

CIPS membership hits the 100,000 mark after the Chinese Government announce that it is the duty of every business student to study for the CIPS qualifications. “We will lead the world in our procurement expertise and this will be the source of wealth and greatness for our country”, says a senior Chinese Government spokesman.

The Ministry of Defence announce they’re “still analyzing the option of a GoCo” for the Defence Equipment and Support organisation. The uncertainty causes the procurement staff annual turnover rate to hit 35%.

 August

Finance Directors get sick of waiting for real, credible, evidence of procurement savings from their CPOs and the biggest ever wave of CPO firings commences. Sales of Sievo software boom.

SAP announce they have acquired Tradeshift “for a consideration of $38 billion”. They also  buy 27 small eSourcing firms based in Latvia, New Zealand, Ghana, the Turks and Caicos isles and Greenland. “After these very reasonably priced acquisitions, our supplier network now includes every business in the known universe, including several based on Alpha Centauri, previously unknown to mankind”, they say.

 September

After a meeting of the 110,000 strong CIPS People’s Procurement Congress in Beijing, a spokesman announces that David Noble has decided to “return to his village to dedicate himself to the study of the rise of the proletariat in the modern Chinese economy and how to buy Marketing Services”.  Zhang Jianzhu, a leading figure in the regional Communist Party and Senior Buyer for a Szechuan food company, is appointed to lead CIPS after a democratic election chooses him by a majority of 109,999 – 1.

Crisis in Ministry of Defence procurement as Les Mosco, their Commercial Director, fails to win “Procurement Beard of the Year” at the CIPS SM Awards for the first time since 1987. He is pipped to the title by Steve Morgan, his deputy in MOD, causing ugly scenes at the Grosvenor House Hotel.

 October

The Department of Health announces that work on developing a new procurement strategy is underway. “We expect it to be published by December”, they say. Hollow laughter is heard.

CIPS announces that Easton House will be transported and rebuild brick by brick in Guangdong Province. Staff are offered favorable relocation terms and free Mandarin lessons if they move from Easton. A 40,000 sq metre modern extension will be added to the original listed building, the new facility  housing the CIPS marketing department and a unit providing sub-component assembly work for Apple. “We see this as an important new revenue earner for the Institute”, says Zhang Jianzhu, FCIPS.

 November

IBM pay $237 Billion for Coupa. “Take that, you German b*****s” they announce in an expletive laden and vitriolic diatribe against their competitors.

Celebrations in the SRM community as the 5,000th report of this decade is published claiming that “Supplier Relationship Management is the biggest untapped opportunity area for procurement and supply chain executives”.

 December

The two giant eProcurement firms announce a “strategic partnership”, now that they control 97% of all global business transactions. They announce that from henceforth, every citizen of the earth must bow and call them Master, and pay 10% of their income in a tithe to the Great Network Managers in the Cloud.

Oracle announce they are “considering certain acquisitions in the eProcurement and eSourcing area”.

The CPOs whose Finance Directors didn’t ask for tangible, credible evidence of savings all submit their end of year reports showing cost reductions of between 6.8% and 9.2% - a range seen as an impressive but not too ridiculous best guess -  and are awarded their appropriate bonuses.

The Ministry of Defence announce they’re “still analyzing the option of a GoCo” for the Defence Equipment and Support organisation. The 6 remaining procurement managers in MOD who haven’t retired, left or volunteered for active service weep softly.

 

Voices (2)

  1. Dave Orr:

    July 2013: IBM sells its 75% shareholding in Southwest One (SW1) to Virgin and they immediately rebrand the company to trade as “Virgin Police”. Richard Branson dresses up as a Police Officer and takes off in a truncheon-shaped hot air balloon over Bristol as a PR stunt.

    Aug’2013: The Home Office confirms that the National Police IT Company has been formed. A former Chief Constable from a SW Police Force is made a Director, alongside Directors from Accenture, Capita, G4S, IBM, Serco and the newly formed Virgin Police. The Home Office confirms that this new body in control of £Billions of IT spend in Police Services across England & Wales will not be open to Freedom of Information requests.

    Sep’2013: The Universal Credit IT system is not ready and the Government’s flagship welfare-to-work scheme is delayed. The Contractor blames the number of changes in specification by the DWP but has received payments in excess of 2x the original costing in 2011 . The Minister blames the Civil Service. It transpires that due to civil service cuts, the Programme Manager and Lead are from a consultancy, but the contract signed limits their liability to “best advice” only with no risk transfer or sharing. Gateway Reviews and the Risk Log are kept secret, but a leak shows that the project was on Red/Amber throughout and the Risk Log highlighted issues with the Go Live date and untested functionality and no testing for National scaling.

    Oct’2013 Shares in Serco, G4S and Capita reach record highs after bumper profit margins are revealed and offshoring allows “efficient corporate tax planning” as well as “workforce cost efficiencies”.

    Nov’2013 Barnet lose the judicial review and are forced to re-run the outsourcing contract let with a fully developed in-house comparator to meet Best Value legislation.

    Dec’2013: Somerset County Council announce a widespread letting of commissioning contracts for social care for vulnerable adults and the elderly. Somerset brush off questions about whether their poor record in letting & managing the SW1 contract with IBM means they lack the skills for becoming a Commissioning Council. A spokesperson claims that through the SW1 experience, lessons have been learnt; when questioned further they fail to list or describe any of the lessons learnt.

Discuss this:

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *