Vampire Halloween – Tender for Fresh Blood Products

Dear sir,

We have completed your tender for the supply of emergency blood services to the National Health Service. We understand that this is a critical service, to supply blood products at times of national shortage or emergency. Given the importance of this contract, you can be assured that we will do everything in our (considerable and mythical) power to help you meet your needs.

Here is our completed tender submission. We are available for the short listed interview on any date at your convenience between the hours of 7pm and 7am.

Name :   The Nosferatu Corporation plc

Contact name: Count Dracula (MBITE*, MBAⁱ)

* Member of the Bloody Institute of Transylvanian Experts

ⁱ Master of Biting Administration

email address : c.dracula@nosferatu.com

What length of experience do you have in this or similar business:

Many, many years. Back, through the mists of time, to the darkest recesses of your memory and beyond...

The plc company was incorporated in Hemel Hempstead in 2003.

Please give three referees who we can contact to verify your suitability for this work:

Mr B Stoker

Mr J Harker

Mr A van Helsing

Unfortunately, all three are dead but we can arrange a telephone call with their spirits if you wish to talk to them.

 Demonstrate how you will meet the peak demands of our requirement?

You don’t want to know. You really don’t want to know.

But let’s just say, we don‘t foresee any problems in meeting any level of demand. We can increase our staff numbers very quickly, through our intensive recruitment process (we won the CIPM Best Recruiter award last year for our famous campaign “One Bite and You’re In!” )

And our supply chain is virtually limitless (7 billion potential providers at the last count) – see below.

 How will you ensure your blood products are of the highest freshness and quality?

Fresh blood... flesh blood.. sorry, got a bit carried away there.

As consumers of our own product on a regular basis, our own personal QA guarantees the very best quality. In terms of freshness, we can supply the blood still warm if that suits your requirements.

 Are you ISO 9001 accredited (or equivalent)?

We have a certificate from the Transylvanian Institute of Medical research. We realise that this is not ISO 9001 but we think you should accept this. We really think you should accept this. Please don’t make us hurt you...

 How will you manage stakeholders to meet the needs of the contract?

Many years of experience has taught us to be very cautions of stakeholders, particularly when the stakes are long with a pointy and sharp tip.

We will manage stakeholders through a well-proven combination of severing their arteries, shouting “aaarrrrghh” at them (our older staff members) and “super-speed (our younger members of staff only).

 Please demonstrate your commitment to equalities, corporate social responsibility and sustainability?

We have long been exponents of recycling “surplus” organic material, in a way that gets maximum value from the bodies - sorry, I mean the materials. We do not discriminate in our choice of suppliers; although we have a slight preference for virgins, we are neutral as to race, colour, creed, disability, etc. As long as the blood is fresh, really fresh ...

 Please demonstrate how you will manage your own supply chain to deliver the contract requirements?

Our supply chain is very important to us and includes many SMEs (Succulent Men for Emptying). Our supply chain is global, extensive and contains some 7 billion potential suppliers. All of them will be very happy to serve you. And the Lord of Darkness.

 How will you offer added value above the standard requirements of the contract?

1. We can supply fresh transplant organs also if required.

2. We promise not to kill the contract management team – for as long as the contract remains live, you will too. We believe that fact alone should make us your clear choice as preferred bidder. You do agree, don't you?

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