12 Days of Dubious Stuff to Procure for Your Expensive Beloved

It all started with the Brangelina wine, which, by the way, sold out in no time. But Christmas calls for a comprehensive guide to procuring dubious stuff, in the fine tradition of leaping lords and partridges in pear trees. Let’s skip to the twelfth day, shall we?

Twelve-foot-wide Rockefeller Pine Artificial Christmas Tree

Currently on sale for $11,999.

Eleven pairs of En Noir Embroidered Leather Boxing Shorts from Jay Z’s line at Barneys

For $28,500, you can buy these stylish boxing shorts for the beloved and ten of his/her best friends.

Ten-pound milk chocolate bar

A chocolate chisel is helpfully included.

Nine-day Isagenix Cleansing System

This gift beautifully complements the aforementioned ten-pound chocolate bar, not to mention detox fasts are today’s status symbol.

Eight rolls of Hanebisho toilet paper

Purportedly the most expensive and therefore luxurious toilet paper in the world, this artisanal product gives your skin the feeling of being swathed in silk.

Seven-night stay in the Royal Penthouse Suite of Hotel President Wilson in Geneva

The total cost should be between $500,000 and $1,000,000, depending on the exchange rate, travel season, and how good a tipper you are.

Six-figure painting by George Zimmerman

Add this postmodern gem to your beloved’s art collection: an original, signed 18’ by 24’ painting on canvas by George Zimmerman. This is a highly individualistic depiction of the American flag that, with its melancholy and contemplative character, recalls Picasso’s Blue Period.

Five 24-Karat Gold HTC One phones

But, the logical person may protest, even if I have $12,500 to spare, there are only a couple of these phones in existence! However, the ultimate test of true love is procuring the unprocurable.

Four packs of sutures

A practical thing to have, just in case Beloved accidentally gets shot in the stomach in French translation class, as happened in an episode of “Ripping Yarns.”

Three Months of Pork from Williams-Sonoma

Instead of three French hens, try a sausage sampler, extra-thick bacon steak, and Berkshire Heritage pork sausage, all with complimentary (and unavoidable) Freudian imagery for $99.95.

Two tickets to the Burnt Food Museum in Arlingon, Mass.

The unspeakably romantic 90-minute interactive private tour costs $1,500 and “combines an engaging mix of character, observation, humor, discussion and performance-art — all inspired by the cullinary [sic] and philosophial [sic] complexities of the Burnt Food Museum’s exhibits.”

And finally, one Golden Opulence Sundae from Serendipity 3 in New York City

Edible gold leaf is the ingredient behind the $1,000 price.

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