Procurement Predictions for 2015 – part 2

Continuing our predictions for 2015, unexpurgated and unconstrained by taste or feasibility!


- Premier Foods announces that from October, suppliers will be charged for the privilege of doing business with the firm rather than receiving payment. “We’re just reversing the old business model” says CEO Gavin Darby. “Instead of us paying the suppliers, they will pay us. It’s quite simple really, and we’ve had several firms already telling us they’re right behind us”.

- Following the recent general election, Bill Crothers resigns, saying it is nothing to do with the death threats he has received from 37 different government suppliers. In a statement, he says that he has “achieved everything that can be done in the government commercial world”. Spend Matters publishes a glowing tribute to his work.


- The Lab/SNP/Green/UKIP coalition collapses after the pound loses 20% of its value and another election is held. The public express almost total disinterest in the campaign, and the result again appears inconclusive.

- In order to cover all bases before Bill Crothers’ successor starts, CIPS decides to change its name to the Chartered Institute of Contracts, Commercial, Purchasing, Procurement, Buying, Sourcing and Supply. CICCPPBSS for short.


- The latest BBC exposé of Apple claims that one of their factories in Vietnam has reduced the opening hours of its staff gymnasium, and is serving a really quite unpleasant Shiraz at the annual staff picnic. “Look , we’re trying” says CEO Tim Cook.

- Everybody goes on holiday.


- People return from holiday to find another election is being held. Most immediately try to take another holiday. People are getting really, really sick of it now. The BBC announces that their Election Night Special will be presented by Chris Moyles and will run from 2am until 2.30am on BBC3, unless the snooker over-runs.

- As share prices of major software firms fall further, Proactis announces they are making a bid for SAP. “We think the firm will do much better based in Wetherby” says their CEO, but the Mayor of Wetherby expresses concerns about 50,000 Germans being relocated to North Yorkshire. “What if we run out of Boddingtons?”, he asks.


- Premier Foods announce that their annual profits are down significantly. “We can’t think why, it’s a total mystery”, says the Board.

- The political uncertainty leads to the BBC running out of money. In a desperate emergency measure, the organisation is put up for sale. After a bidding war including Google, the Murdoch Group and media giant Spend Matters, it is purchased for £25 billion by Apple, using the spare change they found down the back of the boardroom sofa. “Right”, says Tim Cook. “NOW we’re going to have fun!”


- After the Liberal / Plaid Cymru/Sinn Fein coalition collapses, the electorate notice that actually, things have been going pretty well since no political decisions were being made, and the civil service seems to be getting on with things OK. After a national Twitter campaign obtains 38 million supporters, the Queen agrees to hand over the country to a benign dictatorship run by Claudia Winkleman, Sir Chris Hoy, Shami Chakrabarti, Idris Elba and Sir James Dyson.

- Latest financial press reports are talking about the Coupa float being the “biggest since Alibaba” and a valuation into the $ billions. “We’re really not interested in the share price” says Rob Bernshteyn. “We’re ... oh, who am I trying to kid! WE’RE RICH! WE’RE RICH! WE’RE ALL RICH!”


- Supreme Leader of the People of the UK, Claudia Winkleman, appoints Peter Smith of Spend Matters as the UK Government’s Chief Commercial Officer. Ambulances are rushed to government offices in Liverpool, Norwich and London with reports of “multiple cases” of severe shock.

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