Ryder Cup contracts advertised on Public Contracts Scotland website

Over the next week or so, we’re featuring some of our attempts at humour from 2013. And as well as the World Cup to look forward to in 2014, sports fans have another installment in golf's Ryder Cup series, to be held in Scotland in late September. We picked up on announcements about contracts much earlier in 2013...

We were excited to see that contracts for golf’s 2014 Ryder Cup, to be held in Scotland, at Gleneagles, will be advertised soon. As the Scotsman website reported,

“2014 Ryder Cup organisers are inviting businesses to tender for supplier contracts. Ryder Cup Europe expects the event at Gleneagles to employ 5,000 people directly, with many more likely to benefit through the supply chain.

The procurement portal will be hosted on the Public Contracts Scotland (PCS) website and will include opportunities including catering, merchandising, security and transport. The first contracts should be awarded within three months.

Edward Kitson, match director for the tournament, said: “The Ryder Cup is one of the world’s most prestigious events and we are looking for suppliers whose products and services will enable us to create a truly memorable occasion.”

The portal is a joint initiative between Ryder Cup Europe, the Scottish Government and Scottish Enterprise. It is the first time that a series of private contracts will be available through PCS”.

Now – exclusive to Spend Matters – we’ve been given a sneak preview of some of the categories that will be advertised on the portal.

Tents – must be designed to stand 80 mile an hour gale force winds, torrential rain, sleet and snow, lightning conductors essential.  Must have room for many, many bars.

Portable toilets – see above. Particularly the wind.

Security services – approximately 200 ageing gentlemen, tweed jackets compulsory, moustache preferred, to stand around greens and hold up signs saying “Quiet”. Must  NOT  be tempted (difficult though that is) to shout, “Shut up you idiot Yank, with your stupid cries of “in the hole” when someone tees off on a 560 yard par five”.

Balls – lots of golf balls. Must be round with dimples.

Catering – you know, some Scottish delicacies, haggis and neeps, then some stuff that people might actually eat.

Team partners’ hosting services – individuals required to escort approximately 15 American ladies, aged 25-50, on a number of trips to exciting Scottish venues including shops, spas, castles (centrally heated only).  Strict checks will be carried out – anyone who is attracted to blonde, immaculately groomed, tanned, perfect toothed women of a certain age should NOT apply.  We don’t want any diplomatic incidents here or someone being chased around the car park by a golfer with a three wood in hand…

Anecdote writer – approximately 150 assorted anecdotes required, Peter Alliss for the use of.  Not more than 50 should start, “and best wishes to (insert name here) who hasn’t been feeling too good recently, but you’ll be up and back to 36 holes a day in no time I’m sure”. Following topics must be covered – references to the light playing on the loch, ducklings, sleeping spectators, Ian Poulter’s trousers, what a great job the greenkeepers have done.

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